Motherhood and Gratitude

It all began right after Christmas in 1989. Brian and I sat on our bed in our very small Provo apartment waiting to see if the "stick would turn blue". It DID!!! That began my foray into motherhood. I remember feeling excited, scared and like I wanted to throw-up ( oh ya, that was the horrible morning sickness). I was very lucky that I never had a real problem getting pregnant, just staying pregnant.

Nineteen years, five pregnancies, three c-sections, three beautiful kids and 4 sizes (unfortunately)later I found myself in a very different position.

December 12, 2008 marked the end to my child bearing years. I found myself sitting on a hospital bed staring at a form letter that informed me that by giving permission for this surgery I was aware the result would be "permanent inability to be a biological parent." I looked at the nurse who had been torturing me with 6 tries (no kidding) to put in an IV and began to bawl uncontrollably. My dear husband was sitting with his back to me, his nose in a book, and his ipod blaring, trying not to hear, see, smell or feel that he was in a hospital. (deja vu but I wasn't pregnant.) The finality of that statement was something I was not prepared for. My head knew that we had decided some 7+ years ago that our family was complete but my heart was still that of a mother who wanted to be able to bring spirits fr0m heaven into this world. The nurse tried to comfort me, I didn't need comfort I just needed to grieve for a moment.

Since that day I have been reflecting on the wonderful calling of motherhood and reminising about the ups and downs of it all. I have decided that the final stage of grief should be that of gratitude. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for the honor he has given me to be a mother. My children are definitely my greatest acomplishment and my greatest joy.

As Cami prepares to leave for college and to start another chapter in her life I am amazed by the young woman she has become. She has a strong testimony of the gospel and has always made good choices. She is beautiful inside and out. Cami is so talented in many ways and is a wonderful example to her brothers. I know she will enjoy many blessings in the next few years because of her choices and values. I can't wait (ok, yes I can) for her to experience the joys of eternal marriage and motherhood.

Brandon is just plain amazing. He has developed a great sense of humor that usually catches me off guard and then I can't quit laughing. He has set his goals high and is on his way to achieving all of them. He is a wonderful student and a good friend. Brandon just finished his requirements for his Eagle rank in Boy Scouts. I am so proud of him for this and his steadfastness in fulfilling his priesthood duties. Brandon is caring and sensitive which make him a magnet for small children (just like DAD). It also makes him a magnet for GIRLS!!! Yes, we are in trouble with this one. I know he has a strong testimony and will make a great missionary. He is a super example to all those around him including his Mom.

Blake is my baby and he's stuck. I am too protective of him (Brandon tells me this often). He is a very sensitive boy and very smart. He is his Dad's shadow and anything Dad says is the gospel truth. This includes the annoying allegience to that school up on the hill!!! He won't take what I say as fact until he verifies it with Dad. Although, I think I won the science fair project battle. Sometimes Mom is the expert!!! He is growing so fast and learning alot from the example of his older siblings.

I am truly blessed to have been able to experience being a mother to these three incredible spirits. I cannot imagine how empty my life would be without them. I hope they know how much I love them and how happy they make me everyday.

I am also blessed to have an incredible eternal partner. Brian is an awesome Dad and these kids are lucky to have him. I am lucky that as I move into the next chapter in my life that I get to spend many more years with him.

Motherhood is a gift from Heavenly Father to his daughters. Enjoy every minute with the spirits entrusted to you for this earthly journey. The time goes quickly and the plan is truly a plan of happiness. For now I am content to enjoy the teenage years and get my baby fix through beautiful nieces and nephews. Then Brian and I agree "Bring on the grand-kids!!!!"